


Michael Gets a Giraffe

by GloriaByrd



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29030064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GloriaByrd/pseuds/GloriaByrd
Summary: In this fun, silly fic, the office once again feels the effects of Michael's dreams-come-true. This time, Michael gets a giraffe, and chaos ensues. What will the office do now?
Relationships: Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert
Kudos: 1





	Michael Gets a Giraffe

At the sound of soft hoof steps coming closer, Jim and Pam turned around in their swivel chairs, as did everyone in the office. Dwight came through the doorway first, then a long leash, then a long, spotted head and neck, followed by the rest of a horse-like body. Erin's mouth dropped open. Jim raised an eyebrow and stared, and then looked into the camera with that questioning look of his. Pam's mouth hung slightly ajar. Stanley rolled his eyes and then went back to his crossword puzzle book.

"No way," Kevin and Andy exclaimed. Those in the annex stepped out into the main office. Angela rolled her eyes and stomped back to the annex. Dwight grinned slyly, put his hands on his hips, and relished everyone's expressions of disbelief.

It was then that the "World's Best Boss" stepped out of his office, his namesake mug in hand. "Thank you, Dwight," he said simply, grinning. He looked at the others in the office, and then took the leash from Dwight, bringing the animal into his office.

Pam began to question, "What in the––"

Que title sequence.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now we're back.

Michael was sitting in his office chair, smiling, staring into the camera. Only the animal's torso was visible in the frame.

"'Why did Dwight bring a baby giraffe to the office?' you might say." Michael steepled his fingers mysteriously. He waited for a few seconds to increase the dramatic effect. "Well, I bought a baby giraffe from a website. I think it was called or something like that. I wanted a pet, since I don't have one, and I thought, 'I don't want a dog because of all the slobber. And I would have to walk it. Blah! There's this old woman on my street who walks her dog every morning, and she always has her dog poop on my front porch. So I thought, 'Dog poop is too easy to pick up.' I mean, I have to do it every morning. 'What if I got something big that would have big poops, so I can have some payback?' And then I thought, 'What animal is big?' At first I thought whale, 'cause, you know, it's the biggest animal on Earth, but whales are fish, and when I was five years old I accidentally killed all of my goldfish, so that wouldn't end well. Then I thought about an elephant, but their trunks look too much like snakes, and snakes are _hideous_ , so that's not gonna happen. And then I thought, 'What if I get a giraffe?' I remembered this website Creed told me about last week that has _everything_ , so I went on there, and I bought the baby giraffe." He pursed his lips. "It set me back ten thousand dollars, but it was definitely worth it. Next week the Sabre offices are having a competition for best office pet, and we are definitely going to win." Michael nodded, smiling. "We're gonna win."

Scene cut to later in Michael's office.

"No no no no no no no! Stop eating that! Stop it!" Michael leaped out of his chair to stop the giraffe from eating his papers. Wresting with the giraffe consuming the papers, he said, "Those are the property of Dunder-Mifflin/Sabre! Stop it!" It took the papers in an outstanding feat of strength, that strength comparative to a mouse wrestling a cat, Michael being the mouse. Michael paused before saying in his typical impression voice, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You ate my paper. Prepare to die!" The giraffe turned to him, paper scraps falling from its mouth. One could get lost in those deep brown eyes. Michael's brow furrowed and his lips pouted as he basked in the adorableness of this lil guy. Or girl. He moved to pet the giraffe. It tossed its head, smacking him in the face with its baby horns. "Ow! That's it! You're gonna pay for that!" He looked around his office for something but couldn't seem to find whatever it was he was looking for.

"Michael," the phone on his desk suddenly said. It was Erin. "You look like you need some help."

"No!" Michael grabbed at the new papers in the giraffe's mouth and struggled for a few more seconds before the baby giraffe snatched the papers from his hands and finished chewing them up. "Yes. Okay. I need help. Send in Dwight."

"Dwight? What about Andy? He's really strong." She glanced longingly at Andy who was playing with his pink tie as if it was flying through the air.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever. Get this giraffe out of my office. Oh, and put up a board or something . . . Never mind. I'm gonna call a meeting."

Michael walked out, leaving the door open. Erin called to Andy for him to bring the baby giraffe into the main office. He went to go do the impossible while Michael proclaimed, "Meeting in the conference room now!"

"Do we have to?" Stanley groaned.

"Yes. Everyone has to come, orrrrrr . . . else you're fired." He shrugged his shoulders at the camera.

Stanley groaned again as everyone left their desks for the conference room. Meanwhile, Ryan sat clueless of even the presence of the giraffe as he sat in his closet working on a new startup company, this one called MEOOW that worked exactly like his previous idea. He was also listening to pop songs on his iPod while trying to ignore Kelly's MEOOWs where she asked which color of lipstick she should wear to their date that night.

In the conference room, with everyone present except for Andy and Ryan, Michael said, "You have all surely seen the giraffe by now." He waited for their nods of confirmation, but everyone just sat there looking kind of bored. Stanley sat at the back corner working on his crossword still. "It is our new office pet, and we need a name for it."

Pam raised her hand.

"Yes, Pam?" Michael asked.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Uh, I don't know." Michael stepped to the door and opened it. He called to Andy who was still struggling with getting the giraffe under the doorframe and away from the papers. "Andy! Is the giraffe a boy or a girl?"

"I'm not gonna check to make sure!" he called back, his voice strained.

"Do it!"

Andy groaned. "Fine!" The sound of trickling broke the silence. "It's a boy." His voice was more strained.

"It's a boy," Michael announced, closing the door behind him. "Any names yet?"

"You just told us one second ago, Michael," Pam said. "Give us a few minutes."

"Ugh! You guys, it isn't that hard. It's just letters put into weird combinations. I mean, Pam? P-A-M. If you put it backward it spells . . . map! It spells map. Who thinks of something that dumb?"

The camera cut to Pam who bore an affronted look.

"How about Pam?" Kevin blurted.

Michael put his hands over his face. "We just went over this."

Pam started to say, "I think he meant––"

"It's a boy," Phyllis reminded them.

"Oh, yeah," Pam and Kevin muttered.

"Kevin?" Kevin suggested.

"No!" Michael shouted. "No one in the office. Unless we name him Mike, or Michael."

No one cared to comment on that.

"Mose," Dwight declared. Everyone stared at him reprovingly. "He's an animal." He shrugged. "It fits."

"Barack," Kelley suggested. No one replied. "Obama?" She paused for a few seconds. "Bradley Cooper?"

"No, no, no," Michael said, shaking his hands dismissively. "These all suck. You all suck at this." He chuckled. He then spoke in a southern accent, "Y'all suck."

Then, Andy walked in, the front of his sky blue sweater paired with a pink tie, tan sportscoat, and dress slacks, all of it wet with something down the front. He sat down without a word, slumped and with his arms crossed. His eyes were locked on the floor.

"Andy," Michael inquired, "what happened?"

"Your giraffe . . ." he mumbled. The last part was indecipherable.

"What?" Michael asked.

"Your giraffe p––d . . . me."

"I still can't understand you."

"Your giraffe peed on me, okay!" Andy shouted. He glanced around, and then his gaze returned to the floor.

There was silence for about ten seconds.

Michael asked, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Michael!" everyone shouted.

"What?" Michael asked, throwing his hands in the air. He sighed. "You know what? You can all leave." He uncapped a marker and began writing on the whiteboard. He wrote NAMES with an underline beneath it. He pressed hard enough to destroy the marker. He pursed his lips and threw the marker at the trashcan as though it was a basketball. It landed two feet away from the trashcan, spilling blue marker blood onto the carpet in a fast growing puddle. Daryll shook his head.

Everyone's heads turned to the window through which they saw the giraffe eating a sheaf of papers. Michael ran out to try to stop it. He was predictably unable to stop this force of nature.

Cut scene to the board later that day.

Jim wrote "Dwigh, Wight, Wigh, Dwi, and Mosey at the very bottom of the NAMES whiteboard. He grinned at the camera and then walked away. Angela came in and wrote Fluffy. Kelly wrote her suggestions already; they were the same names she said in the meeting. Some other suggestions already written were: Spot, Dot, Polka Dot, Sprinkles, Giraffe, Baby, Frodo, Samwise, Gollum, Smaug, Luke, and Spock. You can guess who wrote those last few.

Outside the conference room, Andy was walking toward Erin's desk when his foot landed in something squishy. And smelly. And warm. And brown. Andy pursed his lips, looked around, and exclaimed, "Come on!" He sighed and removed his shoe. He ran in one sock to the bathroom holding one brown-smeared dress shoe while his co-workers watched him with both puzzled and disgusted expressions. Dwight looked into the camera, snapped the leash between his hands, and said, "And that's the end of the 'Michael Gets a Giraffe' episode."

Que last, pre-credit scene.

Dwight stared at the whiteboard. Spot was the winning name. He rolled his eyes and scrolled down the list. His face became an expression of pure hatred at the sight of variations of his name. "Who did this?" he shouted. "Who wrote my name?" He grabbed the board, ran out into the main office and demanded, "Who wrote my name?" Everyone ignored him. Jim smiled at the camera, the last scene of this episode.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my story! If you would like to support me as an author, please pick up a copy of one of my books from Amazon: The White Phoenix Saga (fantasy series): EverFire, The Burning Arrows, Blood of the Elders; Artist's Whispers (poetry collection): Tomorrow's Dreams; A Bard's Tales (short story collection): Venture Forth. For more info, visit my bio or follow me on Insta @writer.gloriabyrd


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